Anonymous said: i'm sorry if that was a stupid question, man. i'm just confused. i'm new to this fandom. and so i come in and i see posts about balding hockey players and toews doing steroids and coke and i'm super confused bc like he seems not the type? but idk. and also the worse thing about patrick kane's hair is that he needs to get it cut by a good stylist. but that's just my opinion.
awww, sorry, anon, i definitely know that feeling. there have just been a lot of people who should really really REALLY know better who’ve been taking all of this nonsense super seriously.
basically, the whole cokehead tazer thing came from this random chick who posted a (not at all incriminating, totally standard) fan pic of her with tazer and then captioned it with something like “tbt that time jonathan toews tried to get us to do coke with him!” and a surprising number of people took that as solid evidence the dude was snorting lines all over the place, while the rest of us thought the rumor and the reaction were the funniest thing ever and started making lots of jokes about it. which also led to the steroids thing, hahaha.
the balding thing has been going on for a while — fandom is super into tracking the hair situation of each of these dudes. especially kaner, who admittedly has had some dramatic fluctuations in tonsorial quality. i tend to agree with you, though. he’s definitely got thinning hair, but he also has just naturally thin hair and a very very very pronounced widow’s peak. some people are dedicated to the idea he got hair plugs that are now failing, but i’m inclined to think it’s more a styling issue. he can make his hair look good, but it takes a careful hairstyle and some strategic wispy fluffing. sweat/water/gel/etc. are not his friends.
lazymajor said: why r u so blind 2 the truth
lazymajor said: why is tazer so blind to see that the ones he hurts r u and me AND ALSO THE WHOLE BLACKHAWKS NATION
Waiiiiiit. These things aren’t true? YOU CRUSH MY DREAMS.
maybe if you work hard enough at it you can MAKE them true. quick, fly up to winnipeg and see if you can’t trick tazer into snorting some lines. tell him it’ll finally get rid of the whole “captain serious” myth — i bet he’ll jump at the chance.
STOP LIVING IN DENIAL ZARA IT’S UNATTRACTIVE
i just can’t face the truth, bb. THIS IS OUR DARKEST HOUR. you saw how hungover all the dudes were at the convention. clearly tazer is leading them down the dark path of wild partying and i just can’t face it. next thing you know they’ll be taking shots on the bench and doing key bumps in the dressing room IF THEY’RE NOT ALREADY THAT IS DDDDDDD:
THIS IS THE BEST THING
this is the best thing i’ve ever seen in my whole life.
W O W i guess we are seeing what kind of people you two really are. i can’t believe you’re taking pleasure in this when this hawks team is COLLAPSING BEFORE OUR VERY EYES. jonathan toews needs your HELP not your lulz.
Anonymous said: do you really think jonny toews is a drug addict?
yes 5000% that boy does lines for breakfast lunch and dinner
for srs, though: no, anon, i do not think tazer is a drug addict. and even if he were, i don’t think he’d be stupid enough to try to foist coke on underage randos. for the record, i also do not think kaner and sharpy got into a fistfight. nor do i think kaner is/was a cokehead.
thanks for this ask, though, it was wonderful. <3